Keeping busy to keep the demons at bay

Sometimes I feel really angry about things, and bitter and sad that everything in the last 8 years has kind of amounted to nothing. And I know all that spiritual, new-age, self-help stuff will tell you that when you feel angry there is really no one to blame on the outside, that everything can be controlled by your thoughts on the inside etc etc but it’s still hard to have thrown your whole life into 8 years and then suddenly it’s all gone.

It got really hard towards the end when it never felt enough, even if I was working until I wanted to collapse (and then couldn’t even do that, and was resorting to xanax just to get through a night) and when I was just constantly made to feel useless, unprofessional, lazy, selfish, irresponsible, inadequate, inefficient, unproductive, or sometimes, just plain stupid. Perhaps reverse psychology works for some people – it makes all the strength in them rear up and push harder just to prove the comments wrong. It didn’t – hasn’t ever – worked for me. It just made me fearful and sad and like the bottom of the barrel which you couldn’t scrape off even with the sturdiest of metal spatulas.

Sometimes, when things are quiet around me, I still sit there and feel useless, and believe again all those words that I have heard so many times. Hard not to when you’ve heard it almost every day for so long.

So today, I decided to stop the quiet. Some little positive voice of reason deep in the recesses of my muddled mind told me to  keep busy, keep my head and heart and everything else busy so I can shut out all the words and try to remember a time when I felt more capable about things. This blog should probably be about this – How To Put Your Life Back Together or The Art Of Putting A Life Back Together or How To Leave A Pity Party Gracefully.

I spent the afternoon cobbling a CV together and have sent it on to as many of my old friends in the writing world as I can remember off my Facebook list (because yes, I have been so shut off from everything that I can only connect with people through Facebook at the moment). Fingers crossed.

2 thoughts on “Keeping busy to keep the demons at bay

  1. I don’t know what happened to you, but clearly it’s been devastating. And tied to your spiritual practice – all the work you were doing there – I’m guessing. Anyways, hang in there. It always changes, and sounds like it already is starting to.

  2. Hi Jamie,
    It’s SO good to read your writing again.
    I ‘liked’ your page on facebook a while back and realised that I hadn’t seen any of your updates in my news feed. (FB talk is still new to me)
    I went through a similar path, I think I may have swapped a few emails with you a coupla years ago.
    I saw myself becoming addicted to my spiritual path, in a codependent way. I found peace in meditation but open my eyes and there was so much confusion, striving & validation seeking.
    I had to find another way that brought peace to my heart. I did all kinds of different courses and one thing that stood out was that THE most important thing is how you feel inside. It is your body intelligence that is giving you clues. I never listened until my body started shouting at me!
    It is an honour to be able to share your journey to centredness and joy.
    Big Love,
    Nik

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