Sometimes I feel really angry about things, and bitter and sad that everything in the last 8 years has kind of amounted to nothing. And I know all that spiritual, new-age, self-help stuff will tell you that when you feel angry there is really no one to blame on the outside, that everything can be controlled by your thoughts on the inside etc etc but it’s still hard to have thrown your whole life into 8 years and then suddenly it’s all gone.
It got really hard towards the end when it never felt enough, even if I was working until I wanted to collapse (and then couldn’t even do that, and was resorting to xanax just to get through a night) and when I was just constantly made to feel useless, unprofessional, lazy, selfish, irresponsible, inadequate, inefficient, unproductive, or sometimes, just plain stupid. Perhaps reverse psychology works for some people – it makes all the strength in them rear up and push harder just to prove the comments wrong. It didn’t – hasn’t ever – worked for me. It just made me fearful and sad and like the bottom of the barrel which you couldn’t scrape off even with the sturdiest of metal spatulas.
Sometimes, when things are quiet around me, I still sit there and feel useless, and believe again all those words that I have heard so many times. Hard not to when you’ve heard it almost every day for so long.
So today, I decided to stop the quiet. Some little positive voice of reason deep in the recesses of my muddled mind told me to keep busy, keep my head and heart and everything else busy so I can shut out all the words and try to remember a time when I felt more capable about things. This blog should probably be about this – How To Put Your Life Back Together or The Art Of Putting A Life Back Together or How To Leave A Pity Party Gracefully.
I spent the afternoon cobbling a CV together and have sent it on to as many of my old friends in the writing world as I can remember off my Facebook list (because yes, I have been so shut off from everything that I can only connect with people through Facebook at the moment). Fingers crossed.