The Fat Days: Where I Hate Myself with a Passion

hilda3And so it happens, even for girls like me who write so much about body-confidence, self-love and redefined notions of beauty: days like today when I stand in front of the mirror and hate the way I look.

I’m having an exceptionally fat day — actually, it’s been a few days. And not just the sort that feeling fat that comes of PMSing, or a slightly off, water-retention day.

I know my body and it’s feeling, well, fat. Not in a I’m-so-comfortable-with-how-I-look way, but feeling like a giant, wobbling mass and knowing that my nifty dresses and little skirts don’t look as good on me now.

It seems, trulymadlydeeply, that everyone I know is looking better than they ever have — svelte and fit and toned — and I am only getting larger and flabbier by the same proportions. I am the new marshmallow man.

Blobby.

Whinge.

hilda2So I hate myself today.

And all the self-empowering, love-your-body, confident, self-loving posts that I’ve been writing just aren’t speaking at all to me today.

I hate that I’m so far away from that slimmer, spectacularly fit shape that I used to be. I hate that my clothes feel more snug. I hate the way my reflection flubs back at me. I hate that even though I feel really fit from all the exercising and living well, my body has decided to do something all on its own that doesn’t reflect any of this.

More than anything, I hate the fact that I feel the need to be thinner just so I can feel better about myself. I am mad at myself that at the heart of all this angst, I am the biggest fat-shamer of my own life.

So I’m looking at happy photos of cuddly, joyful Hilda today and trying to make myself feel better.

Wobble wobble.

Whinge.

pix from The Hilda Gallery

 

 

 

 

One thought on “The Fat Days: Where I Hate Myself with a Passion

  1. Love the Hilda pics. After a fun summer here in UK I feel plump and wobbly too. But have you noticed that plump people are so much more jolly than skinny beans? They say yes when there’s a party, say yes when there’s cake, they eat your food when you’ve spent hours cooking for them, they are up for any treat, they never refuse a drink especially champagne and they don’t pick their food around or have annoying fads. I love to surround myself with Hildas. For myself – well maybe a Hilda personality with a slightly slimmer frame – hey but who cares. I see myself in the mirror at the beginning of the day then its everyone else’s bad luck what I look like! That’s why my wrinkles don’t bother me – I only see them in the morning when I put on my make-up and with my failing eyesight that’s not too much of a bother either!

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